A psychologist may read this blog and be tempted to diagnose me a personality disorder; scintzophrenia, disillusionment and so on and so forth. I however accredit the 5 people who mean most to me for all having a role in shaping the crazy person I am today. After sending a mass text to all of them, they have given me permission to discuss them in today's entry. Meet them, fall in love with them, date them, follow them on twitter, do anything you want except say mean things about them. If you do, I will find out and pass you a note to meet me at the flag pole after school...and I can assure you, that that's the very last place you want to be.
Meet My Family
31 years ago my parents, Art and Kath, tied the knot. They met in high school and my poppa bear fell head over heels in love with my momma bear's spicy spirit and even spicier red hair. Yes everyone, my mother is a ginger. I believe that my parents had sex only 4 times in their life and that the consequences of their fornication was/is their 4 fantastic and foxy children. My mom and pops are like celery and oreos; you would never think they would go together, but for some reason beyond anything that makes sense--they just do.
Mi Madre
Name: Mom, Momma bear, Kath,' the cough'
Likes: Getting fired up over spilled milk, dancing with the stars, saving money, late night bowls of mint chip ice cream, sending texts with no grammar, having a small frame, nightgowns, melonballs, sean kingston, secretely loving the family dog.
Dislikes: spending money, getting full nights of sleep, being told what to do, wearing a seatbelt, allowing Bcoll$ around a knife or stove, messes of any kind.
Accomplishments: none of her 4 children getting arrested [so far], being married to Art Colley for over 30 years, being the queen of organizational skills, getting down to "last dance" by Donna Summer the most times at weddings/ any function with a DJ, never coloring her red locks, acheiving a perfect grill after deciding to get braces at age 32.
--> My mother is a rare treasure. She is realistically 100% out of her mind and has literally ran me out of the house on multiple occasions but it is impossible not to love this human being. She has told me that she knew I was an alien soon after I was born because I never cried and smiled all the time and that it freaked her out. She remains freaked out about my alienism to this day.
Mi Padre
Name: Art, Arty pants, art da fart, poppa bear, sir Arthur, 'the moustache'
Likes: knowing everything about computers, vodka of any kind at any time, having a moustache, taking extra long drives and driving like a snail while on them, gaining weight and then losing it all at an extremely fast rate, red heads, telling tales about his 1 year at UCONN, staring at the ocean for hours, cruises to Canada, sound of music, chitty chitty bang bang, airplanes, folding laundry in the basment, buying reading glasses from the dollar store.
Dislikes: having working computers in his own home, yelling.
Accomplisments: Being feautured in the Danbury Newstimes more than anyone I know, raising 4 children, taking Kath's $hit since the age of 16, being the fastest speed drinker in the Northeast, knowing everyone in town, dancing like a true robot without even meaning to, having a full head of hair at 54.
--> I inherited just about every single one of my Father's genes... even his "thick" thighs. My daddio is a hilarious human and although aloof at times, is one of the best people and father's I have ever encountered. He seems to have an acute understanding of who I am and never yells at me when I do dumb shit, which is about 1-25 times a day. I find myself wondering if he too, is an alien.
Here we are after taking a shot of coconut ciroc together.
My Bro
Name: Sean, seanathon, brother bear, seany pants
Likes: coaching every sport possible, tweeting about his weight loss, polo shirts, his good "brahs," driving a nissan, teaching high schoolers, Il Bacio ice cream and italian ice, Colley shaking, intelligent humans and canines, getting as many degrees as possible, living with Matthew Kimmel, throwing bangers at his home
Dislikes: dumb people and dumb canines, unnattractive stage 5 clingers, Born to be wild, losing, being verbally attacked by war memorial referees, fuckboys who mess with his sisters.
Accomplisments: Brown nosing every professor to exist at Roger Williams University, fathering a plus sized puggle, being a home owner, creating and patenting the "colley Shake"
---> My brother bear is a lot like "Brother Bear" from the Berenstein Bear children's book series. He is full of wisdom, feelings, humor and red meat. I hold the memories of us weeping together on the couch when i was 8 and he was 13 after we watched movies like Fox and the Hound and Born to be Wild extremely close to my heart. I do not believe that Seanathon is an Alien but I do believe that if ever I had to recruit humans to the twilight zone, he would be my first pick!
HE'S SINGLE AND LOOKING! GET AT HIM LADIES!! (grenades need not apply)
Sister #1
Name: Shannon, shaynaynay, sha, freckles, ginger, shanny pants pants pants
Likes: Chocolate milk in a wine glass, dressing fiercly fashionable, the Greeks, blogging, watching the office alone in her room for hours upon hours, hobbits, the Weasley's, watching her fiance play magic cards, red wine, working on her fitnesse*, nooni apples up in the sky, floppy hats
.
Dislikes: zotos, sharing, white wine, bad pictures of herself, early morning stress, traffic, being sung to in a crowded resturant, midgets who strip.
Accomplishments: surviving 4 years of college in the gloomiest place in America, owning a honda fit, not being an embarrassing ginger, getting proposed to in the most romantic of places, successfully coordinating 5 tour of Danbury bar crawls, being an undercover nerdette.
---> My older sister, shaynaynay may or may not be the orginal alien. My parents tell the story of how she used to look to the clouds and say "nooni apples up in the sky' over and over until someone had to tell her to be quiet. Any alien knows that nooni apples are actually a delicious and healthy treat that we like to snack on while looking and 'loling' at all the Earthlings below us. Although Sha tries to hide her true colors, sometimes they force their way through. (see below)
Here we are at the Ginger's 'pre bachelorette party."
[I do not have any idea as to why this photo is so gigantic.]
Sister #2
Name: Jillian, jilly bean, doofus, jillian noelle, not real life
likes: yelling for no reason, breaking and entering into her sisters bedrooms, wine, getting real wild and crazy, boys who may or may not be homosexual, lacrosse, body surfing in the ocean, wearing itsy bitsy yellow polka dot bikinis, getting a new job every month
Dislikes: ciroc, keeping the details of her bowel movements to herself, scary movies, when her siblings are sad, not knowing how to dance, having working windshield wipers
Accomplisments: being the best athlete in the family, most times getting white girl wasted, buying a saturn ion, keeping it together on the tour of danbury 5, being attractive despite not knowing how to apply makeup or do her hair.
---> Oh, my Jilly bean is the most out of control little sister I could have ever asked for. We are a little more than 2 years apart but she is conviced that she is the older sister which still boggles my mind. Jillian Noelle and I have come a long way from the times when she would pee in my bed, she is now one of my craziest, most hilarious best friends. I am still wondering where she comes from because I know that it is not here nor is it the Twilight Zone, I think she may be the only one of her kind existing on this planet.
Here we are a little tipsy, Yes, she is wearing a creepy fedora and I am wearing a Bob Marley tshirt. Also, her finger is all the way up my nose.
These 5 humans made me the way I am and I could not be more thankful for that.
If ya don't know, now ya know, reada,!!!
Bcoll$
Ps: I can't get rid of this picture, so I'm taking that as a sign that it is supposed to be here. Email me for details on how to win a date with seany culture!
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