Friday, October 11, 2013

Men Are From Mars. Women Are From Venus...

Over the years I have learned that every girl should always have a few essential things present in her life. She should always have at least one or two best girlfriends who will never have intercourse with her ex boyfriends. She should have a fantabulous pair of heels that she can actually walk in. She should have her own money and really a good grasp on the importance of independence in general. She should have a go -to outfit to wear when she is feeling particularly like an unattractive Ursula.  And finally, she should also have at least one good, non sexual guy friend to keep it really real with her and also to make sure she doesn't get molested by some creepy crawler at the bar.

First, let's be clear about what a "non sexual" guy friend really entails. He is a human being that you share a friendship with that includes; hanging out, joking around, giving and taking advice about various aspects of life, hooking each other up with qualified individuals and generally just enjoying the company of one another in the most platonic of ways.

It does NOT entail; cuddling, random drunken sexual encounters, jealously about him dating/talking/giving the D to other ladies, hand holding (unless it is because you are too wasted to walk without some assistance), penetration, fellatio, hand/foot jobs and/or any other sexual activity.

Now that we got that out of the way, I can get to the real point of this bloggy blog.

I am lucky enough to say that I have a good amount of non sexual guy friends from my hometown who I love (shout out to you manly maniacs!) but this blog entry was inspired by my Boston bro, Rody. I prefer to call Rody "Rodizz My Nizz" or just "Rodizz" for short. I knew we were going to be great friends one of the very first nights I ever ventured out into the shit show that is  Boston nightlife because he kept saying "I never knew you were such a clown" over and over. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is perhaps one of the most accurate ways to describe basically everything there is to ever know about me. 

As the months have progressed, Rodizz and I have embarked on quite a bit of interesting, hysterical and memorable adventures. We also have weekly- if not daily conversations about men vs. women. We both seem to be at times the most stumped by the actions, lack of actions and general behaviors about the opposite sex. I've learned a lot from these conversations but I think the most ground breaking and pivotal piece of information I have learned is that both men and women typically have an extremely limited idea of what and/or why the other one is doing what they are doing at any given time.

I believe that this lack of understanding originates from what our (extraterrestrial?) ancestors have known for thousands and thousands of years; men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

I know that this lack of understanding can be frustrating and even time consuming which is why I have enlisted my homie Rodizz to guest star in this blog and give us in his own, very insightful real life advice about....


 10 Things women should Know about US!
                            - Written by Rodizz my Nizz

1.Give us a chance: Stop always putting a label on us (dog,player,asshole) without getting to know us first.

2. More Vulnerable: Contrary to popular belief, men get more attached a lot faster than women do.

3. Friend Zone: If you're gonna friend zone him, make sure you tell him ahead of time and don't drag him along for the ride

4. Differences- Yes ladies there is a major difference between a dickhead and an good guy (All MEN ARE NOT THE SAME)

5. Me Time: As much as we love female company, we need some time to ourselves

6. HOMIE TIME: Sometimes a man just wants to chill with his boys and if you guilt trip him about that then its a wrap from there (lol) <-- but he's not laughing forreals- Bcoll$

7. Code Talk: When something is bothering make sure you tell us in the English language. Don't expect us to know by giving us signals or things that we have to decode ourselves

8. Sex-We love it, plain and simple

9. The "ONE": Its not a matter of time or age for us to decide to when we want to settle down. It depends on that right women that comes along our way and make us retire our 'player' jerseys
10.Respect- the level of respect we'll have for you depends on how much you respect yourselves

Extras: (That's right ladies, this kid just goes above & beyond. PS: He's single) Love,  The ultimate Wing Woman

1.Stop assuming:  Just because we're at a bar without you doesn't mean we're hitting on every girl we see

2.Gold Digger: That's a big NO!NO!

3.Cooking: Another way to get to a mans heart! :)

4.24/7 Complaining; The more and more you bitch about little things to us, the less attractive you become to us

5.Goofy: We love girls with a good sense of humor

6.No makeup: As much as we love seeing woman all glamored up and shit, we love seeing women in their natural beauty a lot more.

7. Marriage/Kids: Do not bring up this subject with us early in the relationship. Good way to scare us off

8.Gym/Sports: We love girls that love to take care of their bodies

9.Appreciate: We love appreciation as much as you women do.

10.Text/call First: We shouldn't be always the first to try and communicate with you

Obviously, I would not be who I am if I ended this entry right here. So please, my little lambs, enjoy my very own...

10 Things That You Things From Mars w/ a Penis, Need to Know About the Masterpieces 
                                                                        From Venus 
                                                                            - Bcoll$

1. Tell us the truth. We can handle it, I swear: Listen guys, there is really no reason to lie to us...ever. More often than not, we are going to catch you in the act of lying and you're going to look like more a douche lord than you would have if you just told us the truth in the first place.

2. Women know everything. Yes. Even that thing you think we don't know about: The big G-O-D might have given us the short end of the stick by giving women periods and the task of having 5-12lbs infants come out of our precious punani- nani's but he knew what he was doing when he blessed us all with female intuition. We are wired to know when something shady is going on that shouldn't be going on, it's actually a little bit creepy. Beyond that, if we have any inkling of suspicion we then can tap into this other super duper useful ability to morph into international spies. We have so many different ways to find information out and 99.7% of the time we will find out whatever the heck it is you little sneaky snakes have been so obviously (poorly) hiding from us. So think twice before you go and stick you hand (or something else) in the proverbial cookie jar.

3. We need to be told we're beautiful sometimes: Yes, of course every woman loves a compliment but we need to hear it from you for more than just an ego boost. Whether she is a runway model or just a regular chick trying to make it in this world, she deserves to be appreciated. And men, if you are married, dating, talking or even just giving some casual (but hopefully pretty powerful) orgasms to her it is YOUR job to make sure she feels special and beautiful. K thanks.

4. We are way cooler than you think we are: Seriously dudes, we aren't always these needy, nagging, dramatic nuisances that we're made out to be. We actually love to have fun, do exciting and interesting things and sometimes, we can even be funny.

5. We love sex: We love it, need it and want it probably waaaay more than you could ever imagine. So, give it to us...and give it to us good.

6. Yelling, whistling or barking to us on a street is NOT the way to get our attention: Guys. Why in the world do you think this is a good idea? Trust me, it's actually like the world's worst idea. If you like what you see, come and get it like a normal human and not a rabid, horny dog. I guarantee you a better outcome.

7. If you have penetrated our sugary walls, we never want to imagine, hear and most definitely not see you penetrating anyone or thing else...ever: Period.

8. We aren't that complicated: I've heard countless men say that we are difficult to understand. In my opinion though, we're fairly simple. We typically just want you to be:
1. real
2. affectionate
3. Into us, like seriously, we kind of want you to be like the dude from the Notebook. If that's not doable, most of us will settle for a Jay-Z/ Beyonce type situation or even like Omar Epps when he played that character in Love & Basketball.
4. A good person
5. receptive to all that we bring to the table.

9. We actually care about your personality: Looks dictate a lot out here on these streets but nothing can seal the deal like a 5 star, grade A, top notch personality. We love funny, personable, outgoing lads. I've seen dime pieces fall head over heels for an average looking, amazeballs personality having dude plenty of times. To be cliche but also an honest hippo; looks are temporary but your personality is a forever kinda thang. So be cool.

10. Attention: I don't know one woman, not even my 80 year old grandmother [did I just take this to a weird place?]  who doesn't like and want a little attention every now and then. Chicks love to get those  'good morning texts', we love a small dose of PDA every now and then and most of all, we love to feel like you want us. In all possible ways. ::Smirk::

Peace. love. sassiness & dry/wet humps forever & always,


PS: If any of you pretty, young thangs want to follow the stud muffin (Rodizz My Nizz) his twitter handle is RCES101. :)

Saturday, August 31, 2013


At the beginning of this month I celebrated my 25th birthday. I normally am an over the top Ostrich about my birthday and spend the better part of the year planning and fantasizing about how amazingly fun, memorable and outrageous the day of my birth will be. However, this year was a bit different because this is the first year that I have ever felt like the age I was turning was "old." I know, I know...25 actually isn't even remotely old and I realize that you may think I'm a cray- cray for thinking that it is. The fact of the matter is that I am in the midst of what I am referring to as a 'mid- way through my 20's life crisis.' Creative, I know. 

In the last 7 months I have moved from the comfort of my hometown to the beautiful city of Boston, ended the most significant relationship that I've had thus far in my 25 years on earth and currently am reevaluating what the hell I want to spend my life doing in terms of a career. Mama Mia!! adios mio! YIKES! Jeezelaweeze! and my personal favorite 'what in the actual fuck' are currently the most frequently utilized words in my vocabulary. 

I know that my blog entries are usually me trying to give some kind of constructive advice or even just a dose of BColl$ peculiar perspective to  my radical readers. But I need to keep it the realest of real with ya'll; I woke up this morning still drunk, on my couch in my clothes from my night of drinking Jack Daniels and Diet coke and literally said aloud "homegirl has gotz to get it togetha." So this entire blog and probably the blogs to follow this one will be dedicated to homegirl (me) doing just that.

I think my first order of business to take off my "I have a clue" cloak and stand here metaphorically (and maybe actually) naked and publicly admit that I am as clueless as clueless gets; Cher Horowitz status. 

Things I am Clueless About....

1.  Choosing a satisfying, fulfilling career: I am less of a hot mess about this topic than the others but I am still quite clueless about it. I pride myself on being self sufficient and have always had jobs that enabled  me to stack my money and chill. I suppose right now I am on the quest to find something that moves me. I want a career that I wake up every morning excited about. There are too many miserable, moaning Myrtles with jobs they can't stand in the world and I refuse to be one of those Myrtles. My cluelessness comes into play because I am fairly certain I have adult ADD and am fascinated and interested in so many different things. How can one be expected to choose??

2. Making New Friends: Moving was one of the best and one of the most terrifying experiences I've had to date. I live with three other beautiful, hilarious and bootylicious gals and have two really great guy friends who let me tag along on their various adventures throughout the city in exchange for my wing woman skills and abilities. But I'm not like Drake, I want new friends. The thing about making friends is that it's actually kind of difficult in a new place. People- particularly girls are always weary about the new bitch bopping around their city especially when that girl is suspiciously smiling and laughing like a hyena 97% of the time. I'm stumped on how to make friends at this age without coming across like an over zealous creepy crawler. If my sweet little readers have any suggestions feel free to throw em my way. 

3. The Single Life: I am lucky enough to have spent the better part of my 20's in a relationship filled with lots of love, koofie smacks and wenis massages. I know how to be in a relationship, I know how to be a fun loving, loyal girlfriend and I know to be with just one person. However, the reality of my situation is that I am currently and probably for the first time in a really long time, truly a single salamander and this all feels like complete and utter cluster fuck to me. I have not even a little bit of an idea what I'm doing out here in these single streets. 

First of all, I feel like it is safe to assume that most men these days are just trying to get it in when and where they can. They seem to be ALL about getting their dingaling wet and I'm not even that mad at em' for it, women are beautiful. But guys, at this point in my life the last thing i'm interested in is getting acquainted with a surplus of male genitalia. Thanks but let's be serious, no thanks. 

Secondly, if you do meet someone that you actually like what are you supposed to do about it? Do men want you to tell them that they fill your stomach with those embarrassing and cliche butterflies every time you see them? Or do they only want you to tell them that when it's their penis you're feeling in your stomach? If you tell a guy you like them do they lose interest because there's no longer the thrill of the chase? What if you like a guy but then he actually turns out to be a psycho path, have a weird fetish or what if he picks his nose in traffic and then eats it on the regular? 

Thirdly, the thing that I don't understand or like most about the single life is how scarce cuddling is. I mean really, can a girl just be cuddled and get her hair played with every now and then without it being a huge debacle? How am I expected to be a productive member of society without a little non sexual physical affection in my life? The struggle exists and the struggle is real. 

**I'm going to stop right there because it feels right in my spirit...and I don't want you beautiful baby bumblebees to think that I am certifiably insane. I should also admit that I was drunk when I began this blog and now I am 100% strolling down Hangover Avenue now and will be taking a nap within minutes.**

As always - Peace, love and pelvic thrusts, 

BColl$ [Captain of Team Clueless]

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Things Men Should Never Say

This past weekend I had a traumatic, outrageous but very real argument with one of the most important men in my life. We were having a very healthy dinner at Whole Foods talking presumably about Harry Potter or how he hated the vegan chicken that I suggested he try, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something disturbing. What I saw was less of a thin woman and more of what I would consider a skeleton. I was torn between being extremely concerned for her health and amazed that an adult human was even capable of looking like that. Naturally, I turned to my dinner date and probably not so quietly whispered "her leg is the size of my arm!!" I was expecting him to give me the standard response that he usually gives to everything I say which is a less than enthused "true" but instead he exclaimed "her leg is the size of MY arm."

 I slowly swallowed the piece of curried tofu I had been munching on all the while giving him the deadliest stare my otherwise friendly eyes could muster. Once I was capable of forming a sentence I asked very, very clearly "are you saying my arm is bigger than yours?" He looked at me with his bewildered brown eyes like I was a nut job and simply said "well yea, I'm a skinny guy." Before I knew it, my entire body had been consumed with feeling 1. like Roseanne from the 1990's sitcom and 2. Furious that this man who claims he cares about me just had inadvertently called me one of the worst names a woman could ever be called...Fat Arm.

Of course my ego eventually recovered from this blow but it did definitely get me thinking about men and how sometimes ( a lot of the time) they pop off at the mouth with unsolicited honesty and get their adorable asses into a tremendous amount of trouble.

I decided that i needed to poll the masses and see what they had to say about this topic. So,  I sent out the following message "I'm writing a blog on things a man should never say to a woman. Throw some thing my way/ things that have been said to you/ things you've said to a woman that didn't go over too well." Here are the replies...

Things Men Should Never Say To A Woman:

1. Even if she calls herself fat, don't joke around and call her  fatass
2. You gained/ lost weight
3. Never talk about her weight
4. Never talk about weight- you'll never win
5. I think its' obvious to never talk about a woman's weight gain or appearance negatively
6. When a guy suggests you lose weight. If you don't like a woman's body than don't fuck with her
7. Saying anything about a women's weight is a big no-no. Girlfriend, best friend, cousin, skinny, doesn't matter.
8. Black doesn't always make people look thinner

*Sooooo, DON'T COMMENT ON HER WEIGHT: listen cuties, women in this culture are already abnormally obsessed with their bodies. I mean, how could we not be? If it's not a stick thin model being shoved in our faces via advertisements and billboards,  it's these video/twitter/instagram vixens who have proportions that don't even make any kind of sense twerking their badunkadunks everywhere we turn! We know what we are working or not working with and if we need to drop or gain a few lbs you better bet your little behind that we are more than well aware. Guaranteed the second you call your wife, girlfriend, babymomma, sidechick or jump off anything other than something positive, her vajayjay will be closed for business the rest of that night and maybe even longer. We all know that you getting it in is incredibly important to me, so please, help me- help you.*

1. That girl was so hot
2. She's hotter than you. Sorry
3. Any comparison to their mother or female  family member while in bed
4. If I've had sex with you, don't ask me to hook you up with one of my friends
5. Men should never talk about their sexual experiences with another woman to you
6. but I didn't fuck her, why you mad?
7. bring up an Ex
8. Talk about things that the ex did that the current girl doesn't do

*Women really don't want to hear that her man (or whoever you are to her) thinks highly of any other woman. We are incredibly aware that you do think highly of others but we like to pretend that you think of us as Jay-z thinks of Beyonce. We expect that you will try your best to at the very least pretend to convince us that there is no other girl prettier, funnier, cooler, sexier or smarter. Moreover, if you are doing or have done the naked shuffle with one another, that woman most certainly does not want to hear or think about that same penis that penetrated her little petunia being inside of any other cindy-loo-hoo. So spare us the details and save those conversations for "guys night" over beer, wings and video games.*

1. "First story that comes to mind is when I first had sex with my ex, as soon as we finished I told her I had something to say. I said "I have aids." I've never seen such a dramatic change in a facial expression before. She cried for like an hour and then learned I had a ridiculous sense of humor. Well, she still doesn't think it's funny" <------ ::Scratches head, then laughs hysterically & pee's pants a little::
2. Never tell a girl she takes too long to climax
3. Don't tell a girl her sex is bad
4. So what if you have your period
5. Come get that back blown out
6.STD's are weird, huh? Most of em, you can't even tell you got em. haha
7. You make me happy at night and ain't even know it 
8. I wanna give you that good dick
9. he was drunk so it wasn't getting hard and I told him that maybe we had too much to drink and he said that I wasn't doing enough (to make him hard.)
10. Call me daddy
11. Don't question if he's the best dick you've ever had...when he's not

* Hey guys, please do not joke about STD's with us, we are beyond petrified of the clap!! Also, if you want to fornicate with us--don't be a creepy crawler about it. Most women need at least some 
kind of sweet talking before she drops her drawers and submits to a sexual romparooni with you so put some kind of effort in and reap the benefits in bed. Furthermore, if you are actually in the process of having sexual intercourse with a woman do not [ever] insult her in any way shape or form. It's one thing to insult us fully clothed but to do so when we are naked and allowing you access to our womanhood is really begging for a karate kick to your balls.*

1. Never say anything that begins with "I know that I shouldn't say this...." no matter how gentle or innocent or nice the comment is, it cannot be good.
2. I hate when guys tell me I'm wearing too much makeup or dressed too revealing
3. Are you wearing THAT?
4. You gonna fix your hair?
5. Once I told my friend that I could see her mustache after she claimed she didn't have one
6.  You look like a different person with makeup on!

*If you weren't already aware hopefully it has been made clear that women are incredibly sensitive about their appearance. Unless you fear that she might fall victim to a Janet Jackson like wardrobe malfunction don't comment negatively about her in any way. Just tell us we look great and everyone and everything will be okay.* 

1. When you explain to a guy how he upset or hurt you and his response is "I'm sorry you feel that way"
2. While having an argument or disagreement and he asks "are you done yet?
3. You're being too emotional 
4.  Relax, calm down!
5. I just don't care about emotional things the same way you do
6. You're being crazy
7. Why do I date a psycho ?

*Gentlemen, arguments are bound to happen in any kind of relationship you have with the opposite sex. Men and women think too differently for us to ever be capable of existing in complete and utter harmony all the time. However, when you find yourself getting into it with a lovely lady, try your very best to never say the aforementioned sentences. Nothing makes us crazier and more of a  furious Fox than being called crazy, told to calm down or that we are being over the top emotional when we are trying to communicate our feelings to you. Even if you have no idea why she's so upset, just validate her emotions and get to the makeup sex as swiftly as you can.* 

Women are emotional creatures and half of the time it's not even our fault--we have A LOT of hormones influencing our behavior at any given time.  Really though, we're certainly sensitive and high maintenance even when we swear that we are not but you men love and can't live without us and it is undeniably vice versa. All I ever want is for my readers to have happy, satisfying relationships (of any kind) with one another.  So my advice to you men today is to; Not be idiots, think before you speak and if you find yourself in hot water just call your girl beautiful, apologize and lay her down and let her know that the clock has just struck 'get it in 0'clock.'

Peace, love & pelvic thrusts always and forever,

B. Coll$

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Whores, Skanks, Smuts and Hoes

So, if you read this blog then you know that I spend a lot of my time encouraging my readers to engage in  healthy, satisfying sexual experiences. I think that having a positive sexual relationship with yourself and others is an important part of living a happy, well rounded life. However, I am very well aware that being so open about sexuality can be taboo, especially in a society that is as confused and contrived as the one we live in.

I have never been a fan of words like; whore, slut, hoe, smut, skank, ect. I think that these are negative words that are intended to make women feel guilty for making personal decisions about her sex life. I never understood why someone who wasn't involved in the actual fornication process would waste their time speaking badly about a situation or activity that had exactly nothing to do with them. Regardless of how I feel about this type of thing over here at the 'Twilight Zone', the reality of you Earthlings is that lots and lots of smack has been spoken about the various vagina's that have been oh so accommodating of various visiting penises. This why I have come up with some simple suggestions regarding..

How To Avoid Being Labeled a Whore, Hoe, Slut, Smut, Skank   
(or any other mean word)

1. Choose better partners: Too many times I have seen women put themselves in awkward, compromising and down right disastrous situations because they made the decision to give up their goodies to someone who was way less than deserving. If you bang someone and you know that they have asshole tendencies, do not expect him to miraculously change after he blows his load. That's not how this works. In fact, he typically will morph into an even bigger douchelord once he has successfully (or even not so successfully) conquered your womanhood. This is unfortunately when awful things occur such as but not limited to; your naughty pictures being leaked, your sexual business broadcasted throughout the social networking land, your character being brought into question and so on and so forth. So, ladies, make better choices about who you're allowing to penetrate you. If you have repeatedly chosen the wrong men to do the humpty dance with then please refer to my post titled "Dickswag." Read it, absorb it and apply it to real life situations; I promise that great things will come into fruition soon after.

2. Don't mess with another persons significant other: Regardless of how hard a guy is coming at you with the sweet talk, persuasive puppy dog eyes, constant attention and flattery; if you know he has a girlfriend, just say no. If you are fully aware of his relationship status and choose to ignore this very important piece of information and engage in a round or two of the naked tango anyway, then please know that you are now very vulnerable and almost asking to be called disrespectful names. If and when this persons significant other discovers your affair, she will without a doubt be furious. If she is like most girls, she will fail to address her loser of a boyfriend and immediately direct her intense anger to the "whore" who is both literally and figuratively riding her mans' dick. This girl will surely tell all of her friends and they will go on and tell their friends and soon everyone will know about your home wrecking and jump off tendencies. Sadly, those are two reputations that are difficult to shake. I don't want this to happen to any of my readers, so I beg you to at the very least only let that hour hand strike 'get it in 0'clock' with unattached, available and single men.

3. One Penis at a time: Listen, I know that men in this generation are out here getting their dicks wet left and right and that for some bizarre reason it is OK for them be engaging in these promiscuous sexual adventures. Much to my dismay, even in 2012, it is not okay for women to do the same. This double standard is the worst, the feminist in me hates everything about it and would probably even stand in a picket line to protest. But society is society and to avoid any negativity being thrown your way, I would advise to try to stick to one penis at a time. In my opinion, quality is always better than quantity anyways; it's better to have lots of mediocre- mind blowing sex with one person than it is to have unsatisfying sex with lots of different people. It's okay to have a few subs waiting on the bench but lets try to give one player some ample game time before you decide to not renew his contract or start holding tryouts while he is still on the court. Not only will this allow you to possibly create a connection deeper than what you may have imagined possible with this human but you will also not be partaking in any overly questionable behavior, therefore there will be no drama or negativity associated with your sex sessions.

4. Watch your mouth: It is a fact that people love to talk about other peoples business. This is why it is imperative that you are super duper careful about who you share the details of your sexual romps with. I always remind myself of the quote [that I heard on the opening credits of the show Pretty Little Liars] "two can keep a secret if one of us is dead" before I blab some explicit details about a steamy Saturday night to any of my friends or foes. Once you tell someone something, that information no longer belongs to you and that person who now owns this juicy gossip is  free to do what he/she chooses with it. Obviously, if your sex life is public knowledge there is an extremely high chance that the public will feel privileged to share their opinions about you and  your punani. Just think a little bit before you pop off at the mouth,

5. Cheaters never prosper: Just like it is important to not get down with the get down with someone who is currently in a relationship, it is equally as important to not be a cheating cheetah. The thing about cheating is that no matter what the circumstances, there is just simply no justifying that kind of behavior to your significant other...or even really anyone else. Usually cheaters get caught, and usually when this happens you will be deemed some kind of undesirable name(s) due to your inability to keep the lid on your cookie jar. My advice would be to 1. Keep it in your pants around any person who you are not currently in a committed relationship with 2. if being faithful is an unrealistic expectation then I would advise to be the realest of real and promptly hop off the relationship train at the next stop. If by chance you are unable to make the aforementioned moves and try to have your cake and eat it too, then all I have to say to you is...good luck and God speed.

6. Don't act like one if you ain't one : I know that the people who read this blog are intelligent individuals who are fully aware of what does and doesn't constitute "hoe-ish behavior." So I know you know to be mindful of the kind of message you're giving off to these streets and/or social networks. If you aren't a skankarooni or are but don't wish to be called one,  then don't portray yourself like one; easy peasy. Basically what I'm saying here is to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

**If it was up to me, you all could get it in with whoever you wanted, however you wanted, where ever you wanted with absolutely no backlash, ever. I never judge. I do however think that it is fairly easy to conduct yourself in a manner which would prevent any unnecessary stress from being directed towards you and whatever you do or don't do in the sheets. After all, sex should never be the cause of stress--it should only relieve it.**

As always- peace, love and lots of gyrations,

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Cheatin' Cheetas

It is a sad but true fact that right this very second someone is making the decision to either cheat on their significant other, deciding to accept their role as "the other woman or man" also known as the "side piece", or are being cheated on. Just take a look around this crazy world we live in; the media is borderline obsessed with the fidelity of celebrities and political figures, social network sites magnify and at times, broadcast the happenings of relationships and you can even get a glimpse of the "shadiness" that occurs just in your hometown by simply spending an evening out on the town. Infidelity appears to have made it's self quite comfortable in societies all over the world and it does not look like it's going to be making an exit anytime soon.

I personally have always been fascinated with why cheating even occurs in the first place. I remember in high school when I heard of a really beautiful girl being cheated on by her boyfriend at the time. I was honestly bewildered as to why this guy felt the need to cheat, and with a girl that was in my opinion, less attractive nonetheless! Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have found myself bewildered lots and lots of more times and I don't enjoy anything about that feeling--which is why I decided to write an entire blog dedicated to the topic of cheating. I knew that writing this post solely from my own perspective wouldn't be sufficient enough for you radical readers because everyone has different experiences, opinions and theories about infidelity. So, I hunted down 4 incredibly different but in my opinion, honorable and honest humans and had an extensive interview where they graciously allowed me to pry and ask personal questions about everything from their own experience with cheating to their views and interpretations of it. I think that the only way to truly try to get a handle on the complex inner workings of cheating is to gather perspectives, read/ listen them with an open mind and take away whatever speaks to you the most.  I hope you cutie patooties enjoy these interviews or at the very least, get a kick out of being encouraged (by me)  to stick that nose of yours all up into other peoples business.

As always, here at "The Twilight Zone" anything goes. Enjoy!


Subject #1:

Profile: This subject is currently a single lovely lesbian lady- living and loving everything about life.

The Questions:
1. Have you ever cheated: Never physically but emotionally I have invested myself in someone while dating someone else.
2. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I know of
3. What was your reasoning for cheating, if any: That person satisfied aspects of a relationship that my significant other did not.
4. In general, what are your feelings regarding cheating: I hate it, hated the way it made me feel to do it and I hated the way it made my significant other feel even more. At the same time, I felt almost powerless to stop it.
5. Do you think it is possible to love someone even though you are cheating on them: yes, you can love someone you are cheating on but you should definitely not be with them.
6. Do you believe it is possible to be monogamous this day in age?: I don't think that humans are monogamous creatures but that doesn't mean people can't make it work without cheating. The urges will likely be there at some point.
7. If you were cheated on by you significant other, would you stay: I always say that cheating is my bottom line but for me, as much as I wish I could leave and not turn back, it is situational. Some people might be worth fighting for even if they are cheatin' cheetahs. [her words not mine ;)] Also, it might depend on their who/what/where of cheating.
8. What constitutes cheating? Is it simply physical or emotional as well: Emotionally cheating might be worse than doing it strictly for ass. Emotional cheating should warrant reevaluation of your relationship with your significant other. It is just a hop, skip and hump away from doing the dirty.

Subject #2:

Profile: This subject is a marvelous man, who is always down for a good time and can always be counted on to make those around him chuckle...or at the very least, smile.

The Questions:
1. Okay, so, have you ever cheated on someone: nope.
2.Have you been cheated on/ have you ever been the other man: Yes. the other man. smh. [smh= shaking my head, for those of you who might not be familiar with that abbreviation]
3.Did you actively pursue her: yes and no...I was in a really bad place at the time
4.How long did it last: no more than 5 weeks.
5. Did this gal ever talk about the fact that she had a bf: I knew she was married, yes.
6. Is she still married: nope
7. Because of this affair or other reasons: no she told me at the time that she was the most single, married woman. They were already on the rocks.
8. Do you think her motives were related to her sexual desire: It's possible
9. Did you ever feel guilty about it: If I could do it again, I wouldn't.
10. How would you rate the sex: it wasn't anything over the top cause we were in a public place whenever we messed around.
11. What do you think the motives for cheating are: um I think it's mostly just unhappiness in their current situation. But also I think that people get into relationships when they aren't ready for one. They're not ready to be with one person.
12. Do you think that there are things people can do to avoid being cheated on/ cheating: To not cheat? I just feel like if you feel you need to cheat then you shouldn't be in a relationship. I understand that shit happens in the heat of the moment but at that point you gotta reevaluate your relationship. As far as being cheated on, I'm not sure. If you're doing what you can do emotionally, physically and sexually---in theory, the person you decided to be in a relationship should be satisfied. At that point, if they cheat on you, it's on them
13. Why do you think people consistently cheat but claim to love the person they are cheating on? You can't consistently cheat and love the person you're cheating on.
14. So why do you think people try to "have their cake and eat it too": It boils down to a persons values/conscience, ect. Most people would rob a bank if they could get away with it , regardless of their financial situation. So most people think "if I can have someone to come home to and who will cook for me and this that and the third, but have something on the side..."
15. Do you think monogamy is a realistic expectation: Absolutely, if you find the right person.

Subject #3

Profile: This subject is the true definition of a sassafrass. She is an educated, successful, outgoing and overall great gal.

The Questions:
1. Have you ever been cheated on/ cheated on someone: yes I have been cheated on. Never cheated ::holds back from slandering this mans name all over your blog::
2. When you found out, what went through your mind: honestly, I was at a company Christmas party with him and I found out via a text on his phone while he was in the bathroom. What went through my mind was to not assume and go nuts per usual lol but ask questions and see what he said. Although before it was confirmed I think I knew deep down it was happening.
3. How did you know deep down? Were there signs: Yes. He started going MIA for a few hours at a time at night. His mother would text me and ask me where he was because he was claiming to be with me but wasn't. I noticed he was just lying all the time and becoming distant.
4. As far your sex life went, were you guys getting it on regularly: YOU KNOW IT lol
5.Did you ever get an explanation of why he cheated: Never ever. And he pursued me and forced things to get serious. But he has a track record of never being monogamous. Cheatin' and lying. He said he knows he wasn't good enough for me and thought he was ready to commit but wasn't.
6. What kind of emotions did you go through once you learned you had been cheated on: Oh wow. Angry and wanted answers. Heart broken and down, loss of appetite. Didn't want to go anywhere with my girls. I only started to feel better once I cut off ALL ties.
7. If you tell this guy anything, what would it be: hmm. Probably that I forgave him a long time ago and that I pray he is saved by the good lawd because he far worse off than me. OH and good luck with the child he is having with the girl he cheated on me with and got preggers. lol. Okay, maybe I wouldn't say the last part.
8. Do you believe monogamy is possible this day in age: Absolutely. I'm surrounded by good men who don't cheat on their girlfriends.
9. Why do you think cheating happens in the first place: I think a lack of feeling fulfilled. And that doesn't necessarily mean that your significant other isn't meeting you needs but that there could be something within you that is missing; self worth, confidence, inability to commit for some reason. We sometimes point fingers to the other party when sometimes the cheater needs to take a look at themselves and see what is missing.
10: Beautifully said! Do you have any other thoughts or comments about cheating: I thhinkkkkk that's all my thoughts for now! *drops mic*

Subject #4:

Profile: My last (but not least) subject is a fascinating human with an ability to get a party going unlike any other person I have ever known. He is also a seemingly good hearted and genuine guy.

The Questions:
1. Okay, SO, have you ever cheated on someone/been cheated on/ been the other man: yes, yes and yes.
2. So, how many times have you cheated: Well I say once when I had a girlfriend. I don't consider "talking" to multiple people cheating lol as long as they know the truth. Actually...twice when I had a girlfriend, sorry.
3. What were your reasons for cheating: umm I was bored of one girl and the time I was still in love with the ex still
4. When you were cheating, did you think about the person you were cheating on: During foreplay but after that, no way!
5. How did you feel afterwards: I didn't feel anything afterwards when I cheated with my ex but the second gf I cheated on, I felt bad.
6. Did you tell them you cheated: the gf? no
7. Why: one found out. The other I didn't tell cause I felt bad for doing it.
8. Did you break up once she found out: yea
9. How did you find out that YOU had been cheated on: Just cause I'm very observant and I asked questions until the person decided to stop lying.
10.What behaviors were you observing: Not answering my calls when they usually do, avoiding the question, seeing the way they interacted with that person.
11. How did you feel when it was confirmed, like what kind of emotions: um honestly not mad at all about who it was or why it happened but the fact that she lied made me the most upset.
12. Did you break up after: yea, but still did stuff after.
13. When you were the "other man" did you actively pursue that girl: no
14. Did you know she had a man: yeah
15. Did you feel guilty: yes I did, but only the first time
16. How long did it go on for: hmm idk I think weeks until she broke up with him
17. Overall, why do you think people cheat: The rebellious act of getting away with something or being bored with their partner.
18. Do you think there are ways to avoid being cheated on/ cheating on someone: Umm just keep the relationship exciting and new ...and not putting yourself in an awkward situation where cheating is possible.
19. Do you believe that men are capable of turning down sex when tempted: when sober, yea, very capable.
20. Is it possible to cheat on someone and still love them: yes
21. Explain how: cause when you cheat it's out of pure action and feelings at the moment not because you hate or not love your partner.
22. Would you say that cheating only ever occurs in the spur of the moment or can it be emotional too: I think the first time it happens it's spur of the moment and a little sexual/emotional but if it keeps happening then it's more emotional and/or it's just that good.
23.Why do you think people cheat on a regular basis but still stay with their significant other: Cause they love that person or don't want to let that person get away or to be characterized as a cheater. And they like doing something that they can get away with.

All of these peeps have different experiences with cheating therefore their feelings about the topic are obviously reflective of that. What I learned from probing people I know with personal and invasive questioning is that there isn't just one reason that cheating occurs within a relationship. In some cases there might be a million reasons why the cheating happens, while other times the person cheated on might feel like a bamboozled baboon scratching the top of his or her head with their pointer finger.

My advice (in case you were wondering) is to enjoy your relationship. Be the best girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife that you know how to be. Have fun. Reap the benefits of  being in love, engaging in great sex and having someone to hold hands with in the movie theater and other public venues. yourself enough to believe when that gut feeling of yours is telling you something is up. AND if you do find out that someone has been playing your perfect self for a fool, love yourself enough to give that lame lobster the "suck it" motion and keep it movin.' In my opinion, once a Cheatin Cheeta, always a Cheatin Cheeta; and sugar pie honey bunch, there way too many other humans on this planet to be stuck subjecting yourself to heartbreak, disrespect and sharing a penis and/or vagina unwillingly with another person.

Electric Sliding on outta here,

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Mystery of Men

Let's face it, to most women, men are a massive mystery. We spend so much of our time thinking and over analyzing about all the ridiculous things that men do....ridiculous things that they probably don't even have the slightest clue that they are even doing. The worst part about all of this over thinking crap, is that it has the tendency to make us come across really, really annoying. We annoy our friends, our men and there is no way that we are not annoying ourselves! Imagine for just a moment, what it would be like if the guy in your life dissected every little thing that came out of your mouth, got an attitude if you were busy and couldn't text him back right away, or fished for a compliment every time you two were going out on a Friday night. It is impossible to not admit that you wouldn't be an annoyed Amelia. I know I would sure be! You can be the sexiest, smartest, most hilarious gal in all the land, but if you're annoying--your man/ any man is going to get sick of you.  Fast.

 I, of course, am concerned about this phenomenon that I am identifying as the "annoying epidemic" and wanted to dedicate this blog to bringing a necessary awareness to it. If I can help one reader minimize their annoying girlfriend/jump off/whatever title you give yourself, levels, then I can sleep easy knowing I helped to maximize someones "I'm cool as shit" levels. Truth be told, I believe that every human being on this planet has the innate capability to be the coolest of cats, 24-7. All it takes is some self reflection and the application of some slight personal changes to reveal it to the world! And let's be honest, this world could really use more cool.

6 Ways How To Not Be An Annoying Girl

1. Do not ask your significant other/ any man if you look fat: Okay, so I know that sometimes we lovely ladies wake up feeling like beached whales. Beached whale mornings and days really bite. I  know how tempting and easy it is for us to turn to the leading man in our life to make us feel better about ourselves, because after all, isn't that his job? Regardless, I sincerely urge you all to resist this temptation.

You might be asking "why can't I ask if I look fat, Bcoll$--what's the big whoop?" WELL, for starters- if this man you are annoying is your boyfriend, baby daddy, boo- thang, FWB, side piece or sugar daddy, then I think it is safe to assume that he is currently giving or has at some point in time has given you the D. If a dude if dicking you down, then that means that he is attracted to you. If he is attracted to you, then he has good reason for it. He is not fornicating with you because he thinks you are grossly fat, in fact, he probably thinks you're really great looking and wants you to think that about yourself  as well. And if by the slim chance that he does think of you to be Wanda the Whale, then that is exactly how he likes you. Deal with it.

No man that I know wants to spend their time reassuring any girl of their looks, it's a blatant display of your insecurity and we all know that insecurity does not reflect positively on us. So, if you are feeling like plump Paula, call a friend, wear something flattering or take a trip to the gym and remember that the people in your life like you for YOU, not for how small (or thick) the circumference your waist is.

2. Have your own life: I know that when you're in love, like or someone has casually got your vajayjay whipped, it is easy to want to spend an enormous amount of time with that special person. However, if you are always up your boy toys ass, it is inevitable that he will start to get sick of you, regardless of how wonderfully amazing and interesting you are. A way to avoid this kind of situation is to simply have and embrace your own life! Find the balance between in spending a healthy amount of time with your love bug, and still maintaining your own independence and social life. Not only will this help to decrease your annoying levels,  it will also ensure that you don't compromise who you really are and what you like to do, for any other person!

3. Keep it Spicy: From my observations and experiences, annoyance levels in any kind of relationship, really set in when your daily interactions become monotonous. Routine is healthy to a certain extent, but if there is no element of surprise or spontaneity you will without a doubt become bored  at some point or another. So, make sure to spice up your life every now and then, in or out of the bedroom. Whip up a delicious meal out of the blue, sneak attack and wake up your man while he is sleeping with some unexpectedly, unbelievably fantastic fellatio, plan a getaway for a night or anything, just make sure you keep things fresh. I bet you 20.00 that you will not regret it.

4. Easy on the constant contact: These days, it is super simple to be in constant contact with anyone, boo thang or not. I have seen far too many ladies get their panties in a twist because their guy wasn't responding to phone calls or texts but was pretty active on twitter, facebook and/or instagram. To this, I say, take a chill pill. Although I recognize how annoying this type of this behavior can be, you will come across 10x more annoying by making it a federal case. 9 times out of 10, your dude just got sucked in by the black hole that is the social network sphere and will get back to you as soon as he gets in touch with reality again. On the other hand, if you happen to notice that your texts and phone calls are being ignored on a regular basis, then perhaps this guy is attempting to lamely send you a message; a message we all fear to receive...he's just not that into you. If this is happening to you, I suggest you throw up your pointer and middle finger and stereotypically mutter "deuces."

4. Don't be a jealous freak: Jealously is an ugly, good for nothing disease. These days, jealously runs rampant and is plaguing relationships of all kinds, everywhere. I view jealously as more of a symptom of a larger and more serious issue. Lot's of times someone will become jealous because of their own deep seeded insecurities, "daddy- issues" or it can stem from past relationship experiences that have nothing to do with your current one. If you happen to be a jealous Judy, I challenge you to question yourself as to why? It's imperative that you figure it out because there are not too many men out there that will deal with crazy, jealous behavior for too long.

5. Don't Be A Crazy Chick: The fact that so many of our intimate relationships these days are being kept casual, has played an intricate part in the rise of crazy chicks. Women from all over, are becoming increasingly confused about where they stand in the relationship (or non- relationship) with the main man in their life. Ladies, if you are confused about whether or not the guy you hump a few times a week wants to make you his girlfriend, then please seek clarification from him. NEVER assume. Beyond that, if you are not his girlfriend then do not act like one. Do not go out of your way to do nice things for him, do not send him X rated photos unless he sends you one first and most of all, do not expect him to behave like a boyfriend because he is not your boyfriend. The last thing I want for any woman is to be labeled a stage 5 clinger. Yikes.

6. Have Some Fun: Relationships of any kind most definitely require work HOWEVER there should be an equal amount of play. Life is short guys, enjoy the time you have with the one who has your hearts attention. It is also incredibly important to remember that nothing is more annoying than a boring Bertha. So do your best to not be one of those.

 Gentleman, don't think for one second that you are not guilty of being JUST as annoying as the ladies, because you most certainly have your moments. I addressed this blog to the fabulous females because of one reason and one reason only; women care more. Men are great in so many ways but lets face it, they just don't care about the same things that humans with the XX chromosomes do. The bottom line here is ladies, let's get it together a little bit, settle things down and embrace our inner cool. At the end of the day, it will benefit everyone.

PS: I already think you're the coolest,

Friday, April 13, 2012

Thoughts About Threesomes

Two Sundays ago, I received a call from a friend that I have literally known since the sandbox. We hadn't chatted in a while and after catching up on the standard happenings in our lives she revealed what she was really calling about. Turns out, her boyfriend was showing an interest in engaging in a threesome, and she felt like I was someone she needed to talk to about it. Of course I was elated that my friends feel comfortable enough coming to be with situations such as these and really tried to give my best advice on the subject! The conversation did more than make me feel like a good friend, it triggered a genuine interest in what threesomes are really about. True to Bcoll$ form, I have been digging in all sorts of places to get information about the different dynamics of threesomes.

Basic Threesome Definitions ...

Definition of a threesome: When three different people have sex with one another, in the same place, at the same time. These three musketeers can be made up of the same sex, two girls- guy, two guys- one girl, one guy- two transsexuals...ect.

Most Common Threesome: The most common type of threesome from what I gathered from my research is that of two girls- one guy. Most men have a fantasy of sexing up and getting sexed up by two (or more) desirable women at the same time. Men also enjoy the idea (or in this case, the reality) of those two desirable women enjoying each other in a sexual manner for the man to watch and get pleasure from.

Definition of *Guest Star*: The term "guest star" is used primarily when two people who enjoy having sex with one another (they could be in a relationship, sex buddies, friends w/ benefits, ect) decide to invite someone into their bedroom for a night...or two. This guest star can be a mutual friend, an acquaintance or a random individual whom the main two both find attractive and wouldn't mind getting it on with.

How It Goes Down

Step 1- The proposal: In order for a threesome to occur, it needs to be discussed in depth. Typically, the "lets have a threesome" conversation is not brought up at the same time by two people. There is one person who is interested in having this experience and they will have to persuade the other person that it is a good idea. This conversation can definitely be awkward which is why I advise having a plan;
               Things to consider before asking to have a threesome:
  • Why are you asking for it? The person you are requesting the threesome from will certainly want the answer to this question. -if it is because you are not being sexually satisfied then adding another person who may satisfy you more so than your current partner might only make things worse for you when the guest star leaves and it is just the two of you in the bedroom. - If it is because you want to have sex with other people without being coined a cheater, you might also consider rethinking this request as well as your current relationship or whatever your current predicament might be. - Finally, if it is because you want to explore your sexuality, expand your sexual horizons, and experience a fantasy in a healthy way...then go ahead, pop the question.
  • What qualities would you like the guest star to possess? - This is important to think about before having the threesome conversation. If you want the guest star to be thick, puertorican and tall when you date/bang a white, skinny, vertically challenged person, you will need to explain your reasons for wanting that. 
  • What is the confidence level of the person you are asking? If you date/smush someone who you know has self esteem issues then asking for a threesome probably isn't a good idea. He/she will take it personally, feel inadequate and if you go through with the threesome will probably not enjoy it or may try to sabotage it....or worse.
  • Step two- Preparing the Search: One he/she says yes to the threesome proposal, the two of you will have to sit down and discuss what kind of person you both have in mind. It is vital that both parties involved agree on the invitee because if one isn't on board with the decision, then it will throw off the whole vibe and you know how important vibes are!

Step three- proposal #2: Once you identify the type of guest star you are interested in inviting into your sex lair, you will need to actually find a real human to extend that invitation to. This could be tricky because it is not everyday that you ask someone a question of this nature, It is also possible that the person you ask will decline your offer. I have been asked to be a guest star twice in my life (when I was a single salamander), which is pretty reckless. I had to respectfully say no both times because I knew and cared about these humans and honestly, couldn't imagine looking at my girl the same after seeing her man's penis....or her va -va voom. Too much. Regardless, I am sure I was asked because I am so open and enthusiastic about all things sexual but that does not mean that I was automatically agree to be a guest star despite it being a somewhat flattering situation. I would suggest that you make a list of humans to ask, don't take the no's personally and go down that list until someone agrees

Step four- actually doing it: Once you cast a guest star, you will have to check in with yourself to make sure it is something you actually and sincerely want to partake in. If so, then I hope you have a great time. I have talked to a few people who did partake in threesomes and below you can find their feedback

  • Case Study #1: This case study is about a female who was asked to guest star in a threesome that included two of her friends who were in a long term relationship. She went into the situation thinking that it would a fun experience for all involved. However, once it was all over, the girlfriend (of the boyfriend) involved began to "flip out." She was crying, angry and swearing and screamed at the guest star to leave immediately. The guest star confided to me that she would never, participate in a threesome ever again. She and the other girl are no longer friends.
  • Case Study #2: This case study is about a bi-sexual female who was dating a way older man. They were both interested in the "swinging" lifestyle and both reported that they enjoyed their threesome immensely...and would like to have more, more often.
  • Case Study #3: This case study is about a same sex threesome in which two of the participants were dating. The other was a person they met on vacation. The threesome experience went well until one of the people (in the relationship) secretly exchanged numbers with the guest star and was continuing to speak with this person behind the others back. Eventually, this came to light and needless to say, it was not pretty and ultimately jaded the threesome experience.
  • Case Study #4: This case study is about a female who agreed to have a threesome with her boyfriend under the circumstance that the guest star would be a stranger they would meet by chance. They have been looking for years.... and regretted to report that they have had no luck.

* I was surprised as to how difficult it was to find people who have experienced a threesome. It seems that although it is a highly coveted activity, not too many are actively participating in it. I personally believe that making the decision to have a threesome is a pretty big deal. Just like all big deals, it should be treated thoughtfully and carefully. Whether you are entertaining the idea, in search of actualizing it or are currently reaping the benefits, I wish you the best of luck!!