Dating Advice

I have found myself in a plethora of outrageous, embarassing, confusing, fml status, twilight zone situations when it comes to the men that I have dated. I believe that there MUST be a reason that these hilarious humans were brought into my life and I believe that the reason is to share my experiences with all of you precious readers. My biggest hope is that some of you will read what I write today and remember it when you find yourself in a similar prediciment because even if you think that this could NEVER happen to you; it absolutely can and will.

Bcoll$ Dating Advice (and a collection of not real life, but very true, dating nightmares)



Rule #1: If there's any doubt in your mind that he might be a homosexual, abort mission asap.

I traditionally prefer my men to be real manly. I appreciate an athletic guy who enjoys time with the boy and likes to eat wings--a muscular stature never hurts either. Luckily, I typically attract masculine men and worrying about their sexuality never was an issue until I went with my gay guy friend to a "down low sunday" club event in New Haven.

I walked in thinking I would just be having another night of pounding gin and tonics and watching boys shake their tail feather in ways I never imagined possible, from my stool at the bar. However, on this night my eyes were bulging out of my head because the men that were backing it up on eachother looked just like the men that I was backing it up on friday night. These guys were 97% black, nicely dressed, good looking and super duper manly. The fact that they were spitting game to my white gay friend just like they would spit game to me felt like I was getting bitch slapped with an undesired dose of reality.

I'm not sure if it was because this experience heightened my awareness of the "down low movement" or if it was just pure coincindence that soon after, I questioned the sexuality of someone I was spending time with. I would never say I was dating this individual but we hung out a lot and there was definitely a mutual attraction. So you can imagine intensity of the panic attack  that ensued when he told me casually that he sometimes wondered about being gay. I tried to play it cool but how are you expected to be successful at keeping calm, cool and collected when someone you are slightly romantically involved with tells you something like that? All of the sudden my mind was filled with crazy questions, thoughts and fears. I knew that this little fling would soon need to be ended.

I am all for bisexual, gay, lesbian and transgender lifestyles and support them whole heartedly. There is just no way in hell that I would ever feel at ease dating someone who liked penises in their mouth. I would lose my mind on an extreme level if I was constantly questioning if this guy was even into my valiant vajayjay. My ego would take decades to recover from a blow like this.

Overall, if you think the dude you're digging likes to play for the other team from time to time you really need to check in with yourself and see if that's something you can handle. If you can, then I suggest you work this circumstance to your advantage and see if you can create a little menaj a trois action. If you are like me and don't have it in you to handle something of this magnitude, then I suggest you do what you need to do to get out of there and make it speedy--The longer you wait, the more likely it is that you will lose your mind. Trust.


Rule #2: Avoid men who sell drugs for a living.

I was blindsighted the first time I realized I had been "talking" to a drug dealer. This guy was actually an embarassment to society; he wore fake contacts, had a jerry curl, bad posture and told me about his family problems the first night we met. I wish I knew then what I know now because I would have crip walked away from this hot mess before he could even bat one of his overly long, probably mascara brushed eyelashes. Instead, I was wasted off of 3 cups of grain jungle juice and for some reason thought that this kid had it going on. I still maintain that I never actually liked him but was bored enough at nightime to entertain his bizarre phone calls and enjoyed the over the top compliments he liked to give.

In all of the conversations we had where he would get borderline emotional about never feeling loved by his father and his issues with being african american he seemed to leave out the part that he happened to sell large amounts of weed as an occupation. He had always told me he worked at a warehouse [which is in hindsight something everyone should be weary of. There is nothing not shady about a warehouse.]

I'll never forget the phonecall I received the day before I was to go home for thanksgiving break, where this dipshit told me he was on the run. "On the run?" I asked feeling completely bewildered. He then went on to tell me that he sells drugs as a way to sustain his expensive lifestyle and that apparently someone had held him at gun point, stolen the drugs from his car that was an inch above the ground and now the "boss" who supplies him with these narcotics was going to kill him.

My 18 year old self had never even heard of anything like this and couldn't fathom why in the world this corny character would be calling me of all people to inform me about this misfortune. I listened with an unignorable feeling of guilt that my mother would be so very disappointed that this was the type of person I would spend my time talking to and made the decision to immediately hang up the phone. I got a few more phonecalls from strange numbers in Georgia (I guess Georgia is the place to go when you need to hide) for a while before they stopped completely. Thank the LAWD.

I wish I could tell you that this was the only drug dealer I have encountered but that would be a big fat lie. I have accepted that attracting men with suspicious career paths is a weakness and have identified a few tell tale signs in order to avoid repeating the pattern

 A. More than 1 phone. Usually dealers like to have two phones; 1 for business and 1 for pleasure.
 B. Carries over 400 dollars in cash that may or may not be held togther by a subtle rubber band
 C. Has "buisness deals" to take care of at obnoxiously late hours.
 D. Has code words for everything when it comes to speaking via telephone
 E. Seems nervous while operating a vehicle.

I feel that is also imporant to add that just because someone sells drugs does not make them a bad person--this is usually how I find myself involved with these types of humans in the first place. It's just not ideal to be involved with someone who chooses this lifestyle if you are looking for a stable relationship/ life. If you are dating someone involved in the sales of drugs then more power to you girlfriend. You can enjoy the benefits of you're love having dough, wearing the freshest of Jordans, getting you high whenever you are in the mood for some gangja and him being around more than the average man!

I think you also need to also prepare yourself for all the other stuff comes along with it; cell phone interuptions when it's 'get it in 0'clock time', the liklihood of your man being arrested and explaining that to your family, having illegal substances in your car/home that don't belong to you but being held responsible anyways, weedhead chicks hitting up your boyfriend on a consistent basis and having to febreze yourself before you enter a public place after hugging him.


Rule #3: If they look over 30 years old, then they most likely are.

I don't typically find myself interested in men older than 30, because I think that the age difference is too significant at this point in my life. I also don't hang out at places where a man over 30 should frequent and  find those who do to be creepy. Alas, I was nursing a broken heart and was in a love slump when I met this diamond in the rough. He looked older but if you read my jungle fever entry then you know that black men age beautifully and often times it is really difficult to decipher their real age. This guy embodied everything that I'm attracted to; he was 6'8, played basketball overseas for 6 years, well spoken, his pants didn't sag and he was wearing a green shirt--which is my favorite color.

Initially basketball boy told me he was 28, and about 25% of me believed that that was actually the truth; My brother is 28 and this man looked like he had a good 2-5 years on him. I didn't want to call him out on this though because how rude would I look if he actually was telling the truth? So, I entertained the notion of talking and taking this human seriously for a while until we became facebook friends [sidenote: I don't advise becoming facebook friends with the guys you date until it's really serious. There are things you just don't need to know about eachother.] I didn't really think of anything when I accepted his friend request until I calmly looked at his information and saw that he graduated college in 2001.

I began quickly doing math in my head, which was not my strong subject in high school and remembered that he told me he attended junior college for 2 years, went to college for 4, played overseas for 6 and has been back in the states for 3.

Math Findings:
2001 was 10 years ago.
Most people graduate at age 21-22
He was AT LEAST 23-24
plus 6 years of basketball
this puts him at least the age of 30
plus 3 years of being home =33 years old

I don't know what bothered me the most; the fact that he blatently lied about his age, the fact that when he graduated college in 2001 I was still in 8th grade, or that his facebook indicated that he was in a relationship with some lady who resided in Russia. I was confused for sure but found myself to be way more amused than anything.

Luckily, I learned all this early in the game and was able to forfeit before I sold my best piece of property, if you catch my drift. I think that this silly situation taught me to always trust in my gut instincts and that just because someone says something doesn't necessairly make it true. Who knew this extra tall, old guy from the Bronx could provided me a lesson so valuable?

Rule #4: Raise the red flag if they want you to be their future baby momma.

Once upon a time, someone said to me that they wanted me to have their baby. This person did not say I want to marry you and then would like start a family with you, he straight up said --"you're type I'd like to be my baby mother." Now this guy was actually a guy I kind of liked. He was charming, had a big bright white smile and insisted to pay for everything, I didn't think we'd ever date seriously but for a while there; I was really into him.

I almost choked on my own spit when he declared that reckless sentence and then began laughing nervously, which should deter any man from wanting to make babies with me. When I realized that I was the only person laughing I became concerned. Why would this guy ever say something like that? What does a baby momma even entail? I better never get it poppin with this guy because he for sure will pull the old "broken condom" trick. What about me makes me look like I'm interested in having a child right now? I'm wearing bronzer, mother's don't wear bronzer. When I finally accepted the reality of the situation--that I had found myself on yet another date with a wacko jacko, I knew it was time to lock whatever was going on with this guy up and throw away the key.

I definitely raised the red flag in this situation but continued to keep in contact just for shits and giggles. I had to raise the white flag a short while later, to retreat back to square one,when he began to call me "marshmallow." I don't care who you are, being nicknamed Marshmallow for reasons like being,"white, soft and sweet" is grounds for me to discontinue complete contact with you for an undetermined amout of time.

The moral of the story is that for some, being coveted as a baby momma or being nicknamed after any kind of food works.[If this works for you, I urge you to please consider raising your standards or seeing a therapist of some kind.]  I however am looking for something a little bit different and I am thankful for that.


Rule #5: Don't hate the playa, hate the game

I don't know any girl that hasn't been played at least once in her life. I think that it's a rite of passage and is essential in developing a strong sense of reality. The first time I was played I took it extremely personal and felt like a victim, which couldn't be less effective. The second time I was played I began to ask questions. How did I let this happen? How do guys do this type of thing? What are their motives? Can girls be players as well?

My last question was clearly rhetorical because we all know that HOV, the master of swag himself encouraged us females to brush our shoulders off and declared that "ladies is pimps too." The other questions inspired me to start really digging to deep to understand how men think. What goes through their minds and most importantly how nice girls like me could survive in the dating scene without constantly finding themselves in situation where they end up feeling foolish.

I found that the dating scene is just one giant game of capture the flag, the only catch is that the flag is constantly changing. The desired girl would be the flag, and an assortment of guys use their bag of tricks and skills until they become successful in capturing. They then bring the girl back to their base, show her off to their team just so they know what he is capable of and then begins the game again. The game isn't fair and it's definitely not condusive to the sensitive gals out there, but it's real, it exists and it's addictive.

I'm a competitive person in nature and once I realized that being played is just an emotionally exhausting way of losing, I became determined to never let it happen again. The answer to ensuring that this never happens is simple really, don't let youself be the flag. In all of my observations I learned that women like to be captured, we like to feel like someone wants us but then way too often find ourselves in compromised positions due to our need to feel needed. My advice is to hang back, watch how someone interracts with you, read between the lines of his smooth words, look beyond his pretty brown eyes that seem to assure you that his motives are genuine and always do your best to one step ahead. If you do all that then sure, go ahead see if he can put his money where his mouth is, I hope it turns out great for you guys. If it happens to not though, remember to not hate the player...hate the game.


Well that's it silly salamanders

keep it really real,
Bcoll$