Who Am I and How Did I Get Here?

Who am I and  how did I get here are two questions that I ask myself at least once a day. I have a knack for finding myself in the most unbelievable of situations. Some may call it a personality flaw, others may just think I'm the hottest mess in all the land but I attribute it to the simple fact that I live about half my life in 'the twilight zone." Buckle  up baby buckaroo's because today you are hopping in my special space shuttle and taking a trip into my world, see ya there!


This Cannot Be Real Life Moments


1. Accidentally ending up in an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting: I think it's safe to say that I have had some very colorful, spirited friends come and go from my life. At one point, 95% of my friends were lesbians who liked to wear boy clothes. You would think that hanging out with a bunch of carpet munchers would be like hanging out with a bunch of dudes--drama free. However, lesbians or at least the ones that I am familiar with are the MOST dramatic people on the planet and I would get stress induced migraines at least once a week from being overwhelmed by their outlandish issues.

On a beautiful October Sunday evening I thought I was going to dinner with one of my friends, a lipstick lessie. I didn't know that she was bringing her girlfriend who I was on the outs with at the time. This girlfriend of hers also had just completed a stint at rehab for drinking and smoking a shit ton of weed and was really enthusiastic about going to AA meetings. I almost choked on my delicious, Bertucci bread when my two friends asked me to attend a meeting with them. I didn't understand why anyone on this planet who knows anything about me would think I would ever be interested in going to an AA meeting. I LOVE drinking, I'm Irish, it's in my blood. I'm actually hungover right now. At any rate, I knew I would look  like a big cunt face if I said no, and who wants to look like a cunt face?

After I was assured that I could just be there for support and wouldn't have to say anything or participate in any of whatever it is they do in these meetings, I reluctantly climbed into their car and off we went.  The meeting we were attending, in the basement of a creepy ass old church was what is referred to as a "closed meeting." Meaning everyone there needed to be an alcoholic. I was informed of this fact and instructed that I would need to tell the 25 other people that I was a substance abuser. My fight or flight kicked in and I immediately wanted to run away but remembered that I did not drive. This was a nightmare.

I sat there, with my hands shaking due from 1. me being furious and 2. being scared as shit! What if I blew my cover? I would look like the most disrespectful, dickarooni of all time for mocking the 12 step program. I listened as each person would introduce themselves to the group, and of course teared up as they each shared their journey and their struggle with alcohol, I wanted to hug them all. Then it was my turn, I literally felt like I was having an out of body experience as I heard myself say "Hi, I'm Bethany and I'm alcoholic and this is my first meeting." I figured that saying this was my first meeting would get me out of having to give any details. Instead, everyone started clapping and cheering, I turned beat red with embarrassment, another trait of being Irish. I was confused, why was there cheering for me and not the others? Why was the woman wearing the tye dye floor length skirt getting out of her folding chair heading towards me for an embrace? Why was the adorable old man holding my hand and not letting me break eye contact? Why was the tall, young man with the sad eyes handing me a pin? Who was I and how did I get here?!?



2.Getting asked for a happy ending by a 450lb "web master." I am a licensed massage therapist and it's one of my favorite things to do in the world. It sounds creepy, but I think I was born to touch people. I love the healing process, I love meeting someone as a stressed out sally being able to spend an hour with them and then see them transform like a beautiful butterfly into a relaxed Rachel. I look at it as my little contribution to making the world a happier place. Something I do not love, is when men get confused as to what it is I'm trying to accomplish in a session. Let's be serious, the last thing I'm trying to do is get paid to give a hand job. Who would even pay for a hand job anyway? Hand jobs are boring; yawwwn.

It was the third month of me working as a full time massage therapist and I hadn't had any clients step out of line. Sure, a few guys pitched a tent when I had them flip over but I let it slide because an erection can be a relaxation effect. I remember when I walked out to greet this gem of a client,  I immediately got the heebie jeebies.Getting the heebie jeebies upon shaking the hand of the man I was going to spend the next 90 minutes with was bad news bears, to the tenth degree.



When I returned to the room, it appeared that he struggled putting the sheet over his body because his entire backside was showing. Ass out. It was a rough sight but gave good old Charlie the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he couldn't reach, maybe he was nervous...I really was trying hard to not hate everything about him. After working for an hour on  his back, I had him flip over. As I massaged his lower leg, I heard him take a very deep mouth breath and then he said "I'm going to sound like a creepy old man right now, Bethany, but you know that there are no limits to where your hands, or anything else can go on my body."

My heart pounded, my blood was boiling and I asked him to repeat what he had just said, just to make sure I wasn't hearing things. I was flabbergasted that this grotesque human would EVER think that I would want to provide him with sexual pleasure of any kind. I was also pretty angry that he blatantly was asking me to be a prostitute, did I look like a hooker? I was wearing an ugly bright green polo shirt, khakis and was wearing no makeup...definitely not hooker material. Once I collected my thoughts and got my shit together, I informed Charlie that the session was over and he needed to leave and that I do not do that type of thing.

A normal person would get the point and leave the premises immediately. Charlie didn't though, he tried to grab my hand and apologize. At this point my world was spinning. LISTEN Charlie, I do the touching not you, and apologizing? Really dude, you were not sorry when you thought it was fine to ask me to jerk your little winky dinky off, you were not sorry when you kept showing me your ass.You think anyone, anywhere wants to see THAT ASS? Who do you think you are Char? Get outta town, ya creep.

I left he room,to go wash the bejesus out of my hands, shaking my head while wondering how I got here? When I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up, having a crazy old man like Charlie asking to get some hanky panky from me just wasn't it. Who am I?



3.Getting caught in the middle of a brawl. I went to college for just two semesters which in hindsight was the best case scenario. I probably would have gotten killed if I stayed any longer. I chose to go Southern Connecticut State University which is located in New Haven, Connecticut. It happens to be the 5th most dangerous city in the country. I was an idiot when I was 18, a real naive Nadine, you know what I'm saying? I was kept on a real tight leash in high school, can't say I blame the parental units. If I have a daughter like myself, I might give her up for adoption. I became friends with all kinds of people, experienced lots of different things, saw things I didn't even know existed and of course, got in the middle of a crazy, violent brawl at the end of my 2nd and last semester.

I don't really know why but there was a "party" in the our school gym, the DJ from the hip hop station in CT was spinning and the place smelled of weed, Hennessy and water bottles filled with dubra vodka. True to form, I was the minority at this happenin' party and watched in awe as my school mates made their booties clap, it's my dream to one day learn but I don't think it will ever happen. Booty clapping in my opinion, is a natural; god given talent. . My friends and I were having a good time and were getting a real kick out of the dance off that was happening in the center of the dance floor. There was all  kinds of pop and locking, splits, harlem shaking, the crip walk, ect. Things got crazy when one girl with a phenomenal hair do, whipped out what must have been her secret weapon and did a cartwheel. The only issue with this creative and innovative move was that she cartwheeled right into another girls head..and so the fighting began. Weaves were flying everywhere and DJ Craig G announced that the party was over and he may or may not have called us all punks.

I'm a baby bitch and really don't like violence. I would much rather hold hands and frolic around than inflict pain on another person, so I was relieved to be going back to my dorm. As we were all in line to leave the gym, I saw my friend Wheezy arguing with one tall, goofy looking white basketball player. I immediately knew that this was not a good look--the basketball team hated my friend Wheezy and his crew, it was all very cliche. By the time I got out of the gym there was a full fledged brawl. I saw Wheezy get up off the ground with blood pouring down his face, I  stood there with my mouth hanging open when he said "yo B, hold my fitted" and got right back into the fight. I caught his blood stained hat and thought to myself that he really must like this hat to get it to safe keeping in the middle of getting his ass kicked.

Everywhere I turned there were people fighting, I think people were fighting for no reason and I was very confused as to where all this anger came in all these people. Weren't they all just gyrating their asses and getting their manhood grinded up on 15 minutes ago? I lost all my friends and there was no way in hell that I was walking through the chaos that was ahead. I mean, I just saw someone throw a rock at someones head; I  commend them on their resourcefulness though. I sat on the curb and waited for everything to settle down when a cop came over and yelled at me to go to my dorm. I hate cops, they're so dumb. Obviously sitting on this curb was not idea, if I wasn't scared for my life , I would be cuddling with my body pillow updating my AIM away message about the happenings of the night. This idiot didn't care about my safety and told me I had to move, so I proceeded the mile walk back to my dorm with extreme caution. To my left there was two boys fighting, old school style and my right there was a boy being kicked into the ground repeatedly by a 4 others. Unfair fighting makes me mad. I walked half expecting someone to knock upside the head, once again wondering who the hell I thought I was and how in the world I got here.



4.Walking through yankee stadium after a JAYZ concert with one shoe on. I have already discussed my love of Jayz, HOVA, the best rapper alive, Shawn Carter <>. He blows my mind on a consistent basis, so when I had the chance to go see him and Eminem make history at Yankee stadium last September, I couldn't have been more excited. I wore my Yankee fitted hat (a Jayz fan staple) a cool, urbanized T shirt and drank half a bottle of ciroc on the way to the concert. I was feeling nice, I had done my hand exercises in order to be prepared to throw up the roc for a good 2 hours straight, and had reviewed lyrics so I wouldn't look like a silly goose while rapping along. Our seats were the in the nose bleed section but you would have thought I was in the front row. The show was out of this world amazing, I had made friends with the two nice gentleman sitting next to me and they told me that I was a trip and even included me on their blunt rotation. Life couldn't have been better.

I love jigga, but I love him and Beyonce being in love equally as much. How could one couple be so powerful? She has the beauty and the voice of an angel, he has the swag and the flow that cannot be matched. I need them to meet me because I know that we would become immediate friends.I would ask them to be in my wedding party and be the godparents to my children, It would be beautiful. Just take a second and Imagine my excitement when Beyonce came out to sing forever young with Jay. All that ciroc and all that weed mixed with my genuine enthusiasm and roc girl loyalty created one of the most intense reactions I have ever had to anything in my entire life. Tears streamed down my sweaty. glistening face, I dropped to my knees and cheered so loud that I didn't have my normal voice for days after.

At some point, I'm not sure when, one of my flip flops slipped off and fell under the seat in front of me. I realized that I was missing a shoe way too late and had no choice but to exit the Yankee Stadium with one shoe; this definitely was a low point in my life. After Jay Z just infused the crowd with all of this impeccable energy I was walking around with one flip flop; swagless. I kept my head up and pretended not to hear people laughing at the hot mess of a white chick but inside I was beating myself up about this situation and doing some serious soul searching. Who was this person that was missing a shoe?


5. Getting thrown up on by a grown man.  I don't think that details are really needed here. Any time you get thrown up on by anyone, you  lose a little bit of your soul. You could be having the best hair day, your cleavage could be on point,  you could be having the time of your life but as soon as someone projectile vomits on you; it all goes to shit. If you happen to be dating the person who vomits on you, you better really like them because it's no easy feat to recover from. I don't have a weak stomach, praise the lord for that one because once you feel another persons warm, colorful puke on you, you just might be compelled to involuntarily puke right back on them. I distinctly remember looking down at the puke, then at the human responsible for it and once again questioning myself. Who is this chick that gets thrown up on and for real how the heck did I end up here?



FYI:: I took part in a bar crawl yesterday and wrote this blog with one of the most intense hangovers I've ever  had. I went after it yesterday, it was get it in 0' clock....with life. I was too drunk to partake in any actual getting it in with another human being. 

Hope all you alien antlers are enjoying life!!
Bcoll$