Things That I Will Never Understand

Today while I was driving to work the car in front of me was going 50 miles per hour on the highway. The speed limit was 65. This unfortunate annoyance brought on the fortunate inspiration for this blog entry;



Things That I Will Never Understand


1. Why anyone would ever drive 50MPH on the highway: 


For the most part, I am a level headed driver. I let people go when I don't have to, I say sorry when I make a driving mistake and my feelings get hurt when I am beeped at for no reason. However, nothing makes my blood boil more than when I am trying to get to work and the outrageous, outdated dodge minivan in front of me refuses to follow the rules and obey the minimum speed limit! I even tried to reason as to why anyone would be going THAT slow on the highway; perhaps the vehicle was being operated by a new driver and he/she was so nervous that they had to focus on clenching their butt cheeks to prevent and episode of pants shitting. Maybe it was a brand new father driving his wife and newborn child home from the hospital and if he pressed the gas pedal down any further he also would be in danger of shitting all over the place therefore embarrassing himself in front of his new family. I tried my breathing techniques, took deep breaths and tried to prevent my perfect blood pressure from rising. Finally I was able to pass this dummy of a driver and what did I see??? I saw a middle aged woman, with obnoxious red lipstick shaking her stupid peanut head at me! 

I was SO furious that this dipshit of a human would even have the NERVE to think that I was in the wrong for following a little too close, that I did something I hardly ever do. I gave her the finger and then immediately sped off knowing that she would never in a million years have the balls to accelerate 15mph and catch me. I'll never understand the breed of person who would ever chose to incite such anger in other drivers by being a blatent law breaker. HMMPH.



2. How People Function With a Wedgie: I'll admit it, I check out just about everyone I come in contact with backside. I like to see what kind of junk all of you hunks and hunkettes are working with in your trunks. I'm not ashamed. The only downside to being an "ass checker*" is that I see some pretty ridiculous wedgies and sometimes some unappealing ass cracks. [Word to the wise, crack really is whack so for the sake of the world, get pants that fit correctly.] I just don't understand how people don't feel the wedgie. Don't you know that your underwear and/or pants are rubbing up against and in between your cheeks and probably chafing you?? Why haven't you handled the situation yet? Just find a corner and get to picking! ...if you don't,  I might pick it for you and don't you dare be offended or feel violated. Consider it a favor.

3. Why Nobody Has Created a Rehab For Diet Soda: I am without a doubt in need of a diet soda intervention. I fiend for a cold, crisp, from the fountain diet pepsi--Sometimes my need for a diet beverage is so intense that I will  develop a slight shake making it look like I have a dependency on something far more serious. I have given up diet coke lots of times and will be successful only for a short period of time. It all goes down the drain as soon as one drop hits my lips. I become hooked, and will go to any length, even paying 3-4 dollars to get one from a vending machine. I have a problem and don't be fooled; It's a tough world out here for an addict and I am definitely in need of a 12 step program and a sponsor. PRONTO.


4. How Anyone Behaves in Church: I was raised a Roman Catholic, went to 8 years of catechism class and can tell you all about the resurrection of Jesus Christ without even 1 mistake. I love God and respect all religions but for some reason I just cannot behave myself when I'm in church. I always find myself cracking a "that's what she said" joke at the most inappropriate time or suppressing a giggle while staring at the lady in the front row who is singing so passionately yet so VERY off key. I also can't hep but wonder if some of the priest's truly abstain from sexual encounters and thoughts and often find myself creating parish scandals in my head. Besides all of that, I without fail become wildly hungry as soon as I sit down which causes me to scarf down the "body of the Christ." I usually also suffer from an oddly full bladder which makes it incredibly hard to sit still and I end squirming around the pew as if I am a toddler or am mentally and physically challenged. If you know how to behave yourself in church, I commend you and am pretty sure you will get to Heaven faster than I will. Peace be with you.




5. How did Marc Anthony handle J.Lo and her giant badonkadonk: I was mind blown as I am sure many of you were when the stunning and voluptuous Jennifer Lopez married the rodent, shriveled up Marc Anthony. He borderlines on being a Latino polly pocket and she borderlines on being a Latina goddess. I just couldn't and still can't wrap my head around this dumbfounding duo. As you have learned, I am an ass checker, which means that obviously I am obsessed and fascinated with how J.LO can even have an ass like that. It's huge and worthy of the cliche 'that thang should have it's own zipcode.' If you saw how it jiggled and jangled in the dance scenes of 'Selena' then there's not a doubt it  your mind that that's one real bootay.

What I'm really curious about is how the roach, Marc Anthony,  got up in that? I can't imagine he knew what do with all that jelly and he scored a perfect 0% on my dickswag assessment, so you can rule the whole "maybe he had a big dingaling" theory. Nobody can deny that her ass is bigger than his entire body, I just can't see how it worked out. The who, what, where, when and how's of Marc and Jennifer's sexy life will remain a mystery to all of us. Unless a sex tape is released.





6.Why my last attempt at writing number 6 was deleted by a mysterious case of the computer battery dying before it should have: I have been writing this blog for quite some time this evening. The previous number 6 was entitled "how I ended up on a stripper stage in Miami." I detailed my experience at a fine establishment called 'CoCo's' for all of you readers enjoyment. I could rewrite it but instead I am thinking that it  being prematurely deleted may have been a sign. I don't want to overshare too early in our relationship. I don't want to be "that girl," so I will not be. I will save this story in the memory bank I keep specifically for all of my out of control adventures; and one day, maybe soon, maybe far away, we will take our relationship to the next level.

Looking forward to it,

Bcoll$