Things Men Should Never Say

This past weekend I had a traumatic, outrageous but very real argument with one of the most important men in my life. We were having a very healthy dinner at Whole Foods talking presumably about Harry Potter or how he hated the vegan chicken that I suggested he try, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something disturbing. What I saw was less of a thin woman and more of what I would consider a skeleton. I was torn between being extremely concerned for her health and amazed that an adult human was even capable of looking like that. Naturally, I turned to my dinner date and probably not so quietly whispered "her leg is the size of my arm!!" I was expecting him to give me the standard response that he usually gives to everything I say which is a less than enthused "true" but instead he exclaimed "her leg is the size of MY arm."

 I slowly swallowed the piece of curried tofu I had been munching on all the while giving him the deadliest stare my otherwise friendly eyes could muster. Once I was capable of forming a sentence I asked very, very clearly "are you saying my arm is bigger than yours?" He looked at me with his bewildered brown eyes like I was a nut job and simply said "well yea, I'm a skinny guy." Before I knew it, my entire body had been consumed with feeling 1. like Roseanne from the 1990's sitcom and 2. Furious that this man who claims he cares about me just had inadvertently called me one of the worst names a woman could ever be called...Fat Arm.

Of course my ego eventually recovered from this blow but it did definitely get me thinking about men and how sometimes ( a lot of the time) they pop off at the mouth with unsolicited honesty and get their adorable asses into a tremendous amount of trouble.

I decided that i needed to poll the masses and see what they had to say about this topic. So,  I sent out the following message "I'm writing a blog on things a man should never say to a woman. Throw some thing my way/ things that have been said to you/ things you've said to a woman that didn't go over too well." Here are the replies...

Things Men Should Never Say To A Woman:

1. Even if she calls herself fat, don't joke around and call her  fatass
2. You gained/ lost weight
3. Never talk about her weight
4. Never talk about weight- you'll never win
5. I think its' obvious to never talk about a woman's weight gain or appearance negatively
6. When a guy suggests you lose weight. If you don't like a woman's body than don't fuck with her
7. Saying anything about a women's weight is a big no-no. Girlfriend, best friend, cousin, skinny, fat...it doesn't matter.
8. Black doesn't always make people look thinner

*Sooooo, DON'T COMMENT ON HER WEIGHT: listen cuties, women in this culture are already abnormally obsessed with their bodies. I mean, how could we not be? If it's not a stick thin model being shoved in our faces via advertisements and billboards,  it's these video/twitter/instagram vixens who have proportions that don't even make any kind of sense twerking their badunkadunks everywhere we turn! We know what we are working or not working with and if we need to drop or gain a few lbs you better bet your little behind that we are more than well aware. Guaranteed the second you call your wife, girlfriend, babymomma, sidechick or jump off anything other than something positive, her vajayjay will be closed for business the rest of that night and maybe even longer. We all know that you getting it in is incredibly important to me, so please, help me- help you.*

1. That girl was so hot
2. She's hotter than you. Sorry
3. Any comparison to their mother or female  family member while in bed
4. If I've had sex with you, don't ask me to hook you up with one of my friends
5. Men should never talk about their sexual experiences with another woman to you
6. but I didn't fuck her, why you mad?
7. bring up an Ex
8. Talk about things that the ex did that the current girl doesn't do


*Women really don't want to hear that her man (or whoever you are to her) thinks highly of any other woman. We are incredibly aware that you do think highly of others but we like to pretend that you think of us as Jay-z thinks of Beyonce. We expect that you will try your best to at the very least pretend to convince us that there is no other girl prettier, funnier, cooler, sexier or smarter. Moreover, if you are doing or have done the naked shuffle with one another, that woman most certainly does not want to hear or think about that same penis that penetrated her little petunia being inside of any other cindy-loo-hoo. So spare us the details and save those conversations for "guys night" over beer, wings and video games.*

1. "First story that comes to mind is when I first had sex with my ex, as soon as we finished I told her I had something to say. I said "I have aids." I've never seen such a dramatic change in a facial expression before. She cried for like an hour and then learned I had a ridiculous sense of humor. Well, she still doesn't think it's funny" <------ ::Scratches head, then laughs hysterically & pee's pants a little::
2. Never tell a girl she takes too long to climax
3. Don't tell a girl her sex is bad
4. So what if you have your period
5. Come get that back blown out
6.STD's are weird, huh? Most of em, you can't even tell you got em. haha
7. You make me happy at night and ain't even know it 
8. I wanna give you that good dick
9. he was drunk so it wasn't getting hard and I told him that maybe we had too much to drink and he said that I wasn't doing enough (to make him hard.)
10. Call me daddy
11. Don't question if he's the best dick you've ever had...when he's not


* Hey guys, please do not joke about STD's with us, we are beyond petrified of the clap!! Also, if you want to fornicate with us--don't be a creepy crawler about it. Most women need at least some 
kind of sweet talking before she drops her drawers and submits to a sexual romparooni with you so put some kind of effort in and reap the benefits in bed. Furthermore, if you are actually in the process of having sexual intercourse with a woman do not [ever] insult her in any way shape or form. It's one thing to insult us fully clothed but to do so when we are naked and allowing you access to our womanhood is really begging for a karate kick to your balls.*

1. Never say anything that begins with "I know that I shouldn't say this...." no matter how gentle or innocent or nice the comment is, it cannot be good.
2. I hate when guys tell me I'm wearing too much makeup or dressed too revealing
3. Are you wearing THAT?
4. You gonna fix your hair?
5. Once I told my friend that I could see her mustache after she claimed she didn't have one
6.  You look like a different person with makeup on!

*If you weren't already aware hopefully it has been made clear that women are incredibly sensitive about their appearance. Unless you fear that she might fall victim to a Janet Jackson like wardrobe malfunction don't comment negatively about her in any way. Just tell us we look great and everyone and everything will be okay.* 

1. When you explain to a guy how he upset or hurt you and his response is "I'm sorry you feel that way"
2. While having an argument or disagreement and he asks "are you done yet?
3. You're being too emotional 
4.  Relax, calm down!
5. I just don't care about emotional things the same way you do
6. You're being crazy
7. Why do I date a psycho ?

*Gentlemen, arguments are bound to happen in any kind of relationship you have with the opposite sex. Men and women think too differently for us to ever be capable of existing in complete and utter harmony all the time. However, when you find yourself getting into it with a lovely lady, try your very best to never say the aforementioned sentences. Nothing makes us crazier and more of a  furious Fox than being called crazy, told to calm down or that we are being over the top emotional when we are trying to communicate our feelings to you. Even if you have no idea why she's so upset, just validate her emotions and get to the makeup sex as swiftly as you can.* 


Women are emotional creatures and half of the time it's not even our fault--we have A LOT of hormones influencing our behavior at any given time.  Really though, we're certainly sensitive and high maintenance even when we swear that we are not but you men love and can't live without us and it is undeniably vice versa. All I ever want is for my readers to have happy, satisfying relationships (of any kind) with one another.  So my advice to you men today is to; Not be idiots, think before you speak and if you find yourself in hot water just call your girl beautiful, apologize and lay her down and let her know that the clock has just struck 'get it in 0'clock.'


Peace, love & pelvic thrusts always and forever,

B. Coll$