I'm 75% Irish which means I blush practically on the drop of a dime, however there are a few things that actually really, truly make me feel embarrassed:
Queefs/Queefing: First of all, I don't think that there is anything more deserving of an "awkward turtle" hand motion than queefing. The thing about queef's is that they don't happen during every day life, they don't happen in the privacy of your own bathroom, this offensive sounding bodily fuction happens during the throws of passion which is the WORST CASE SCENARIO. I just imagine Jay-z and Beyonce having sex (doggy style, of course) and her just letting out a nice, big juicy queef--it really ruins everything about that image/ fantasy! My younger sister, Jillian texted me the other day asking if I have ever experienced the Q word and I laughed outloud nervously despite being alone because they answer to her question was yes. Yes everyone, I am admitting to being a victim to the worst treason a womens body can commit while being intimate. I am telling you this because we (females) have experienced it and if you haven't, then you will soon. My personal experience has taught me that the guy typically doesn't care about the toots your vagina are letting out, they can usually be found chuckling to themselves, feeling proud for some unknown reason. I on the other hand was mortified and went from feeling on top of my sexy game, to having about as much sex appeal as Rosie O'donnell. I bet she queefs at least 10 times a day...for fun. Regardless, Queefing is bizarre, uncontrollable and makes me turn the color of a fire truck.
The word "pubes." Ever since I learned this word circa 1999, I have felt really embarrassed about it. I don't like how it looks spelled, I don't like how it is pronounced and I don't really like the actual having of pubes either. Some people are really comfortable in talking about the "P" word and I even have a friend who waxes them for a living. I tip my invisible hat to these people, because if you say this word to me, I'm guaranteed to react like a 4th grader while blushing something fierce.
Getting hit on by someone I'm not interested in. Due to my inability to be directly rude to someone who has given me no reason to be rude, I have found myself in way too many situations like this. I'm not one of those girls who thinks that everyone is flirting with them, in fact; I usually have no idea that the person I'm talking to in remotely interested. When I finally do realize what's happening, I'm alreadly too deep in the conversation to get out without it being awkward for everyone involved. In high school I was asked to a school dance by a kid who had a severe lazy eye. I was blindsighted (no pun intended) by his asking me to the dance and reacted in the only way I knew how. I told him I already had a date, turned crimson red, laughed way too loud and way too hard and pee'd myself a little bit. It's been 6 years since that happened and I still haven't figured out a better way to handle similiar predicaments.
Getting out of the car at the gas station. My first experience as a new driver at a gas station may or may not have jaded me for life. I was a mere 16 years old, just trying to fill the tank of my green ford Taurus station wagon. I was waiting patiently in line when I man who I can only compare to Biz Markie (see below) engaged in a conversation with me. At first, I believed he was just a nice gentlemen looking to enjoy some small talk until he mumbled "you lookin for a fuck?" at me. I was truly naive at this age and almost pooped my pants at what was happening. I looked at the beads of sweat dripping from his extra large face, and quickly said "no thank you!!" and ran outside to fill my gas tank for the very first time. Ever since this day, I am always a little embarrassed to get out of my car at gas stations--I'm especially tentative if I am dressed up. I am always nervous that some big, sweaty, stinky trucker is going to think they have a chance to get it on and poppin with me, and let's face it, there's nothing more blush worty than that!!
Getting called "plump" in front a bunch of people. Last weekend, I was at my friends birthday party. It was a great party filled with ciroc, great music, good looking people and even a jamaican grandma cooking up some deliciousness in the kitchen. I date a Jamaican so I understand how amazing that food is which was why I was so sad when I had to politely decline when it was offered to me. Why would I decline something that I know is going to be great? My answer is because I have gone vegan (no meat or dairy.) When I informed my friends Grandma of this sad but true fact, she began asking me why I don't eat meat and all that good stuff. I was fully prepared to answer all of her questions but was not prepared for her to say "well, you're pretty plump for only eating vegetables!!" As the words rolled off her tongue, my head dropped to my chest and I'm pretty sure I not only blushed but also broke out into hives. Did I really just get called "plump" in front of all these people??? I laughed it off and gave a quick little answer all the while texting my boyfriend to let him know what happened, also in hopes that he would assure me that I am not a plump Pauline. True to form, the response I got was "LOL, that's a jamaican for ya." I felt defeated for a few minutes before I realized that what just transpired would make for a great blogging topic! Golly Gee, Don'tcha just love a good silver lining?!?
I'm blushing right now,
Bcoll$
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